The Joy of Interwebbing

The interweb is such a glorious place! Where else can one find so very many people who are not as sexy as they claim to be, or will threaten to "kick your ass" despite the notable handicap of being 11 years old and using their mother's AOL account, or--and this is the most charming of all--claiming to be the "first" to have done some thing or other on the web. Adorable. One can't help but wonder whether some of these people really have lives at all.

I was thumbing through my rather worn copy of the Kama Sutra last night and wondering why on earth they would call it the "Grand Elephant Blossom" position when I heard a great pounding 'pon my front door. My porchlight is not functioning, and so I thought I spied the wraith of the late Karen Carpenter when I looked though the window. I was taken aback to discover it was none other than a bedraggled and weeping Lindsay Lohan, her skeletal shoulders trembling and she begged for sancturary.

I realize that a good many men might be thrilled at such an august visitation...I merely thought it might be a good opportunity to feed the poor thing a sandwich.

In any case, I remember what happened the last time I let some rapidly fading teen queen into my abode, and I still haven't been repaid for the expense of the plumber, electrician, and three cases of Absolut (Mary-Kate, I'm still waiting for that check!), so I slammed the door in poor Lindsay's skull-like face and dialed the local constabulary. Did that Herbie film sell more than two or three tickets in this country?