The Day Not Even Thor Could Get Some Pussy

Now, I know I have never told you all the tale of Thor’s humiliation at the hands of the Giant King, Utgarda-Loki. Although powerful of arm, it was known that magic could get the better of Thor now and again, and this was one of those times. It goes something like this:

One day, Thor and Loki took a journey together (the purpose of which is quite forgotten) in Thor’s chariot, drawn by the goats Tanngnjost and Tanngrisnir. As the day progressed and evening fell, they sought shelter at a peasant’s house for the night. As the peasants quite naturally hadn’t the means to feed such guests, Thor slaughtered his goats, skinning and cooking them to feed himself, Loki, their hosts and their host’s children, Thialfi and his sister, Roskva.

Thor told the group to eat their fill, but to put the bones aside in the skins of the slaughtered goats. Specific enough? Yet as is the way of such tales, Thor’s command was forgotten by Thialfi, who was naturally overly excited to eat such a feast (that whole dreary peasant thing and all) and promptly broke one of the leg bones to suck out the good marrow. Personally, I can relate.

Thor rose the next morning and, raising his hammer Mjolnir, laid a blessing upon the goatskins and bones, thus reviving his livestock. Yes, it sounds odd, but really quite handy in the context of the story, no? Still, one of the goats proved to be lame.

Thor, as was his way, flew into a blustering rage. Bearing in mind that this was not the golden haired Marvel Comics Thor, but the red-haired, piercing-eyed, giant-among-even-the-gods Thor of ancient lore, one can understand that the simple peasants were quite ready to piss themselves with fear. Abject apologies and pleas for mercy ensued. Thor, not incapable of some benevolence, observed this with compassion and, by way of recompense, simply took the children, Thialfi and Roskva, as his servants.

Yeah, he took two innocent kids in as slaves. He’s the fucking God of Thunder, awright? Dealwiddit.

Anyway, Thor left Tanngnjost and Tanngrisnir with the peasant couple (for some reason I am not prepared to question, as I’m just happy not to have to type their names again), and set off with Loki, Thialfi and Roskva in tow. They came to a huge forest, and traveled through it for a full day. When night fell, they found a cave in which they took shelter. Sometime in the middle of the night, an earthquake shook the cave quite violently. Proving that none of the four was all that sharp, they found a small chamber to the right of the cavern wherein Thor took shelter, the others cowering behind him. Because, you know, in the event of a natural disaster, it’s always best to essentially do nothing other than try to hide behind someone bigger than yourself.

As dawn arose, Thor exited the cave and was nonplussed to discover that the previous night’s uproar had been caused by an enormous giant, snoring loudly beside the “cave” that was, in fact, his cast-off glove. So, clearly, big effin’ giant. As the giant awoke and stood up, he proved so large that even Thor felt something akin to fear. I suppose because he had no one larger than himself to hide behind.

The giant, however, proved friendly, and gave his name as Skrymir. Thor did not need to introduce himself, as Skrymir knew him on sight as being Thor of the Aesir. The benefits of Godhood: Priceless. Skrymir asked to join the merry group on their journey, and Thor, more concerned with not appearing cowardly than with his natural revulsion toward giants, agreed. They pooled their foodstuffs, which Skrymir gathered into his bag, and off they went.

So now it’s God of Thunder, demigod of troublemaking (Loki wasn’t a God-god, but that’s an explanation for another time), two underage laborers, and a giant. It’s like the A-Team, only even less politically correct. You could look at it as a weird family unit, but when you consider that Loki gave birth on at least two occasions, one of them being a litter (another time, another time), that comparison just becomes disturbing.

Another day of traveling, and when night once again fell, Skrymir promptly went to sleep. So, you know, obviously no kind of night owl. Thor took Skrymir’s pack in order to get at their provisions, but found himself unable to open it. Needless to say, again with the rage. He whipped out Mjolnir and proceeded to bring it down upon Skrymir’s head.

Perfectly sensible, right?

Skrymir awoke and asked if a leaf had fallen upon him.

Thor was rather put out, of course, as he’d been so looking forward to dashing out the largely inoffensive giant’s brains. At midnight that night, he approached the once-again sleeping Skrymir and gave it another go. Skrymir stirred and mumbled something about an acorn falling on his head.

I mean, a fucking acorn?

Thor backed off, made some lame excuse about the disturbance, and told Skrymir to go back to sleep. He brooded. He decided to give it another try. Just before dawn, he rushed the giant and planted Mjolnir in his skull with all his strength.

Skrymir woke up and, rubbing his face, asked if a bird shit on him.

No, no joke. You get the feeling Skrymir actually knew what was going on and was trying to insult Thor? Hmmm.

That day, they parted ways with the giant. Thor didn’t mind. No one else’s opinion is remembered because, well, they aren’t Thor, now, are they? Plus, one of them is a girl. And Loki might as well be.

Thor, Loki, Thialfi and whatshername resumed their journey. In time, they came to a huge gated castle. Forcing their way in, they found themselves in a vast hall full of giants, lorded over by their king, Utgarda-Loki.

Utgarda-Loki was a bit of snob, and the first thing he did upon deigning to recognize the newcomers was to demand that they perform some special feat, for all his people were known for having some special skill or another. Honestly, that’s hard to believe, given the average apparent I.Q. of the Giant race as whole, but whatever. Maybe it was an idiot-savant kind of thing.

Thor must have been busy at that particular moment, because Loki finally had a chance to, you know, actually do something. He proposed an eating contest against any of Utgarda-Loki’s people. Utgarda-Loki agreed and called upon a giant named Logi to face off against Loki. Logi, Loki, Loki, Logi.

Ahem.

They were seated at either end of a vast dish filled with meat, and each began to eat as quickly as he could, eventually to meet in the middle. Loki had cleaned all the meat from the bones, but Logi had eaten meat, bones, and even his half of the dish. Loki was thoroughly schooled, and now we know why he hadn’t been allowed to do anything up to this point in the story: He’s a fuckup.

Next, Utgarda-Loki asked Thialfi what he could do, which seems a little weak if you ask me. I mean, a fucking giant is going to challenge a human child? Yeah, that’s really going to prove something. Anyway, Thialfi figured he could outrun any of Utgarda-Loki’s giant horde, and proposed a race.

Thialfi was clearly high on something.

Utgarda-Loki called upon the disappointingly-named Hugi as his champion. They let the precocious tyke try three times in a row, and he failed miserably each time.

Imagine that.

Thor apparently got back from doing whatever it was he was doing at that point, and thankfully so as the story was getting damned boring. Utgarda-Loki proposed a drinking contest, and whipped out a strangely long horn. A drinking horn, perverts. He told Thor that all his homies could empty the horn in one or two swallows, and challenged Thor to do the same.

No go.

Not even in three.

Point in fact, Thor couldn’t even get the level to visibly drop until the third swallow.

Now this was fucking Thor, mind. The gods had to keep special, oversized cups around for bad boy to drink from. This was calamitous, people. Thor not being able to empty a drinking horn would be like Bill O’Reilly telling the truth: It just couldn’t happen.

Surprisingly, Thor didn’t start busting heads right then and there. Instead, he accepted another challenge: Utgarda-Loki asked him to lift a cat. Yep, lift a fucking cat. Presumably this was a giant cat, but still, insulting, hello?

Well, it would have been insulting, but Thor couldn’t manage that, either. He only just managed to lift one of the cat’s paws off the floor. I think it’s safe to say that, at this point, Thor was having the worst three days of his immortal existence.

Thor was enraged. Still no skull-smashing, though. Maybe he was just so off-put by his previous failures to smite Skrymir that he just couldn’t bring himself to even try again out of shame. Poor Thor. It happens to all guys at least once, you know…

Well, not me, but irregardless...

Instead, Thor demanded to go one-on-one with somebody.

Utgarda-Loki didn’t think anyone in his hall would want to fight Thor, seeing as how he was such a fucking wimp. Still and all, he figured that his old nurse, Elli, would be about an even match for Thor, and ordered her to wrestle him.

Must have been the thrill of the old hag’s life.

In any event, she proved more than a match for Thor, as he couldn’t move her an inch. After quite some time spent struggling, he eventually slipped and fell to his knee, thus effectively ceding the match. Where the hell was Loki with a folding chair? Some tag team partner he’d make.

Disgusted, Thor packed up Loki, Thialfi and Roskva (who, being a mere girl, was apparently not worthy of being challenged), and left. Utgarda-Loki showed them out, and once clear of the castle, asked whether Thor enjoyed his visit.

Uh, no, asshole.

Then Utgarda-Loki came clean: It was his illusions at work all the while. He was, in fact, Skrymir. He had sealed the provisions bag with magic. He’d conjured a mountain between his head and Thor’s hammer, a mountain that now sported three enormous valleys thanks to Thor’s mighty blows. The contests were also a set up: Loki had challenged Fire, which neither god nor man could out-consume. Thialfi had raced against Thought, the speed of which cannot be matched.

Seeing as how Thialfi was a child, this seems a bit over the top.

As for Thor’s challenges, the other end of the drinking horn had been dipped in the oceans, which not even Thor could drain (although it makes that dropping level pretty fucking impressive). The cat had, in fact, been the Midgard serpent that encircles the whole of the world, thus making it all but impossible to move (and Thor had actually shifted it!). Finally, Elli was the personification of Old Age, who defeats everyone eventually, regardless of strength-just the fact that Thor had stood up to her for so long was a feat in and of itself.

‘Course none of that changed the fact that he’d been made a damn fool of.

Thor finally went for Mjolnir-he got his confidence back! Unfortunately, Utgarda-Loki disappeared, along with his castle. Thor was forced to return home, dissatisfied with his travels, with no skulls smashed and nothing but two new peasant slaves to show for it all.

And you just know that fucking Heimdall saw the whole damn thing.

Boo-fucking-hoo. If you ask me, the whole affair was less humiliating than having to mince around in drag in front of yet another castle full of giants, which Thor also did, all whilst wearing the famed necklace of the Brislings that Freyja had to fuck four dwarves to get.

But that, my friends, is another story for another time.