While Frederick William Summers-Montague was, in fact, a drug addict, chronic masturbator and occasional child molester, he nevertheless took umbrage at being accused of being that lowest of all things: A Republican.

Last night I was sorting through the piles and piles of cast off clothing that was donated to the Ladies for God's Chapel Amateur Bakers and Housing Authority Thrifty Housewife's Sale--I am not actually a volunteer, I just enjoy going through other people's things--when I came across a brand-new, sized-small leather corset with its "Hot Topic" tag still attached. 'How sad,' I thought, caressing the silky lambskin undergarment. I could picture the poor, fat, lonely Goth girl who had purchased it, along with a bottle of those fat-burning pills, hoping and dreaming that it might someday fit over some part of her anatomy other than her plump calves. Oh, how the mascara must have run the day that she finally gave up that hopeless dream and gave the corset over to the Ladies for God's Chapel Amateur Bakers and Housing Authority Thrifty Housewife's Sale! Nevertheless, I am sure the bucket of KFC she bought on the way home consoled her.

Evil KFC.

...eeeeeeeevil.

Off to bed. I was up all the night pelting Harry Potter fans with rocksalt as they waited outside various merchants for their precious new tome...